When Husband and I decided to start trying for a baby, I don’t think I was expecting the intense hope that would come with each month. I just thought we would do the whole ‘try without actually trying’ thing. How I was wrong. I’m only 2 months in but I’m already finding it hard to relax about the whole process and babies cross my mind numerous times a day.
(That’s another reason why I started this blog; I think I need to space to vent my frustrations in the hope that it will help me re-rationalise things. I’m also hoping that surrounding myself in a community of other Mums will be a huge support.)
Month 1 was very exciting. I couldn’t wait until the end of my cycle to find out what the outcome would be. AF decided to play games with me though and, on the day I was due, failed to arrive. Obviously my hopes soared and I was consciously looking for other symptoms – and finding them! – when in reality there were no real symptoms and a day after taking a negative pregnancy test, AF finally appeared in all her glory. Gutted. I couldn’t believe how disappointed I actually was. How ridiculous! My inner reality check was shouting at me: 1 month of trying and you’re already upset? Pull yourself together woman. If only it were that easy.
However, I do always try to find the positive in things and I knew that by having another period, I would be able to use my ovulation app (yes, I’m already obsessively using one) to work out more accurate dates for the following month. It was sure to be a winner, right? Wrong.
This month I made the epic mistake of testing 3 days before AF (due in 2 days). I just couldn’t wait any longer and thought that if I did the test, then I’d know either way and get on with things, regardless of the outcome. However, this just led to its own set of questions, worries and emotions:
- The result was negative – irrational disappointment commences
- Could it be wrong? – doubt sets in and frantic googling to put my mind at rest commences
- I discover there is a chance the test could be wrong – overwhelming hope re-commences
- Must wait to see if AF arrives – ridiculous impatience re-commences
And that’s where I’m at now. Waiting. Worrying. But what good is that doing me?
So, I’m going to try a new frame of mind and focus on the things that are happening in my life that I’m pleased with. I’m now off to cook dinner and contemplate a short list of key things to focus on which I’ll pop in my next post.
Any advice? How can I deal with this process a little easier? What do you focus on when dealing with new emotions and disappointment? Let me know!